A writer’s letter to Father Christmas

Boy Writing Letter to Santa
ca. 2001 — Boy Writing Letter to Santa — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

 

 

Dear Mr Claus,

How ya going? Wow, I guess it’s been a whole year since we last spoke. How’s Mrs Claus? Did she get a chance to try out that new GF pudding recipe I flung her way? I know, I know, it’s not the same. But you’ll get use to the density I PROMISE!

I think you’ll agree that I’ve been more “nice” than “naughty” this year…. Though there’s still time hehe 😉

Remember that manuscript I mentioned last year? Well the first draft is completed and I am now knee deep in the editing process – which is why you are receiving my Christmas list so appallingly late!

Don’t worry mate, I’m sure you’ll manage to work some magic. You are after all able to visit every single human being on the plant, in one night, using vintage machinery dragged by mythic creatures (and I thought Christianity was logically flawed). If anyone can pull this off Santa – it’s you!

For Christmas 2015, Santa, I would really REALLY like:

  • More time. Let’s strive for 30 hours a day, though I am willing to settle for 28 at a pinch.
  • I realise that by increasing the hours in my day while the rest of the world operates in 24-hour time could prove cumbersome. Being the considerate, reasonable, writer that I am, I have come up with an alternative. I would instead love the ability to not require sleep. Eternal insomnia without the brain stupor and caffeine addiction.
  • Coffee.
  • An old typewriter that I can display in my study — while I edit my book on my Mac. It must be a most IMPRESSIVE old typewriter so that all my writer friends can envy me whenever they visit my writer’s dungeon
  • An editing fairy to fix up all my typos and plot flaws.
  • An agent and an editor, in any size or colour you choose, I’m not fussy.
  • A book deal with a major publishing house.
  • An invitation to be interviewed on a podcast. I love podcasts Santa don’t you? You never have to be alone with your thought while you clean the house or take the dog on an evening walk! I particularly like The Beautiful Writers Podcast on soundcloud but if you’ve come across something better, I’m open to suggestions.
  • Someone to take the dog on it’s evening walks.
  • A really good idea for my second novel, we’ve all seen what happens to other author’s whose first book was a major success – the second is always a steaming pile of dog –
  • My first book to be a major success.
  • A 20,000-piece jigsaw puzzle so I have something to do when I want to procrastinate rather than write.
  • For people to stop using adverbs excessively when ‘said’ would be perfectly adequate. Groaned Said Tara.
  • Books.
  • A really big lovely bookshelf to put all my new books in.
  • A really big lovely house that has a really big lovely library that I can put my bookshelf and all my new books in.
  • A nice pen.
  • An hour with Stephen King. I don’t necessarily want to talk to him, just follow him around, taking notes and clippings of his hair for use in pagan rituals….that sort of thing.
  • Margaret Atwood’s brain.
  • A life coach to sit beside me and say encouraging things like ‘Your character’s are so vibrant and lively’ or ‘That chapter was skilfully spun’.’ She/he could even clap and wolf whistle every time I hit the save button.
  • To never have to work in hospitality again.
  • Wine. Red/white Dry/Sweet Bottle/Box…….mmmmmm Christmas……

That covers it Santa. I really appreciate all that you do and I can’t wait to open my presents tomorrow morning!

Talk next year ya big jolly fool! 🙂

Love always,

Tara

P.S. I’m rather partial to my final dot-point……just sayin’

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Lovely, this is hilarious! May Santa bring you all of this and more, though I suspect that with your badassery you’ll be able to find them yourself!

    Like

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